So Bad But So Fun

I did not come up with this.  Bruce has invented a new “skill” to try.  Try not using your hands.  At anything.  He and I played paraplegic Would You Rather for about 20 minutes one day.  2 grown adults tried to get cards out of a box without using our fingers.  And we were sober.  I spied a Silver Strike bowling game and immediately thought this would be perfect chance to apply my newly learned skill.  K joined in like a champ!

Death Trifecta

Our Father who art in heaven….

So I’m in a dead pool.  It’s not as bad as it sounds.  You don’t hope or pray that people die.  You make a list of the top 50 people you think might die in the year to come.  But in the off chance that they do, you get points for the # you have assigned to them.  There a few rules like (a) the person’s death has to make national headlines, (b) the person has to have a birth certificate… stupidest rule ever!  A fetus is a person.  Just ask Pro-Lifers, Dead-Pool-Organizer!   Some skinny Hollywood crack girl gets knocked up again… the baby’s on my list!  There are some other rules, but overall this has been a sad, but good, week for my dead pool list.

June 19th – Tomoji Tanabe, the oldest man in the world, dies at his home in Japan at age 113.  You can understand why this guy is on my list and why this guy was #50 on my list. BINGO BABY!  I do want to live to be 100, so I look up to this man for keeping on as long as he did.

June 25th – Farrah Fawcett dies.  She wasn’t a big icon to my generation, never seen Charlie’s Angel’s, but on my list because of the ass cancer.  Point value = 28.

THEN

June 25th P.M. – Michael Jackson?!  Seriously?  He was a long shot on my list.  Figured his skin would fall off or his nasal passages would collapse and he’d be a goner.  I was at a backyard party when I got the news and did a fist pump in the air, only to realize I was surrounded by 60 church goes and their kids.  Tried to play it off as a stretch.  Don’t think it worked.  Michael is an icon to any age group.  I am sad to see this happen, even though he had a creepy phase that I will never understand.  He was talented musically and a great entertainer.  In memory of him, we wore white gloves to the kickball game and sported a red leather jacket.  Point value = 23.  Rest in peace Billie Jean.

MJ.jpg

Me and Portable Electronics Do Not Mix

Well it only took me 6 months to break my cell phone.  Lord, I swear I don’t do this on purpose.  About a month ago, something funky was going on with the Send key.  Send was almost like a back button but then sometimes would call the person that was next in my contact list and not the real person I meant to call.  Then I’d txt and if I tried to go backward, it would put a string of a’s in words.  I figured out how to live with it because I didn’t want to spend any money on a new phone BECAUSE…. I just had to shell out $200+ to replace my Mino.  Yes my beloved Mino.  That got accidentally dropped in a toliet 2 months ago.  Long story, don’t ask.  Since I upgraded to the HD version, it costed a few more bucks than I was expecting.  Gotta have the best!

Last night before bed, I plugged my phone in to charge only to wake up this morning to 1 bar.  WTF?  Tried my 2nd charger.  Same thing.  It wouldn’t take a charge.  Crap.  I prepared myself to have to shell out $50-$200 to fix it.  Figuring they would see the large crack in the front screen and not want to do anything under warranty.  I took it to Verizon and they replaced it for free!  AWESOME!  Since the crack had nothing to do with the charger slot being loose, it took all of 5 minutes and I was out the door.  Let’s see if I can get this one to last 1 year.

If I am ever out with you and you see me put my Mino or my phone in my back pockets, smack me in the face and set me straight.  Thank you.

My Top 10 List

A friend recently challenged me to come up with the top 10 “Things I want in my life” list. Of course my first attempt at this is completely comical, but I am also a thought-provoking-individual, so I’ll do my best to integrate the 2.  Drum roll please… Here is the top 10 list of things I want in my life. I want…

10.  A tiny real elephant that fits in my pocket

Every elephant I see is named Peanut and I have a tiny plastic one protecting the entrance to my home.  Not joking.  Check my door frame next time you are over.  I think it stems from the only book I remember reading as a child, The Saggy Baggy Elephant.  Poor little Sooki didn’t fit in the jungle and it took him some time to find other elephants like him and become a confident elephant in his own skin.  I want one to keep in my pocket everyday to pull out, feed him a peanut, hear him roar, and make me smile like a little kid.  The only elephants that creep me out are in Dumbo, yes Dumbo.  Remember Dumbo getting drunk and seeing pink dancing elephants… I can’t watch that to this day.

9.  A unicorn

Simple explanation.  Do they exist or not?  If I had one, the mystery would be solved.

8.  People to come to my funeral

I don’t have a clue or belief as to what the after-life is like, but man would it suck if you can look down, or up, from wherever you are and no one’s at your funeral.  Guess you didn’t make a grand impression on anyone during your lifetime.

7.  A money tree

As I kid I wanted to swim through money like Scrooge McDuck.  These days, I don’t crave ungodly amounts of wealth.  I am a productive person and like to earn a living, but it’d be nice to be able to have a little extra anytime you needed it.

6.  5% body fat and perky 36Cs forever

Some days you just don’t feel like working out, so it’d be nice to know you didn’t have to.

5.  The ability to fly

Not in a plane, but like Superman.  I have dreams where I fly and it’s so damn fun I want to do it for real when I wake up.  Good thing I don’t sleep walk or I might jump out a window one day and not realize it.  If that happens, please refer back to #8.

4.  The Amazing Race experience

I love this show.  Love it Love it Love it.  Getting to realize what I love so much about it, has been a journey.  I used to think I was just about the travel or the cool stuff they did.  It’s not.  I figured out it’s about the challenge of being presented with something that you otherwise wouldn’t attempt yourself.  Challenging yourself to push beyond what you think you are capable of.  I use my monthly community events as a band-aid to the way this show makes me feel.  If anyone out there wants to audition… I’m all aboard!

3.  A blooper reel of all the stupid stuff I’ve done or seen in my life

This would include events like

  • Marching around my neighborhood as a kid in a trash bag holding an American flag.
  • Hiding under my bed because I broke my record player needle AGAIN and thinking my parents would eventually stop looking for me.
  • While running, I fell on 86th street during 5 o’clock traffic but tried not to scrape myself up and ended up in a push up position in the grass.
  • The time I fell in a bush and Kristin had to help me out.
  • The time my mother peed on a closed toliet lid while we were planning her father’s funeral and she was yelling at me for paper towels.
  • Putting up 2 fists to a lady at the Buffett concert because she knocked my pineapple and shark hat off my head.  Like it was in the way or something.  It was only 14 inches tall.
  • Walking home from the bars in college with a 4 foot orange cone on my head while my friend had a domed trash can lid on his and was shouting Space Ball quotes.
  • Bruising my ribs by going so fast up a wave at the Lake and thinking my life was over because I was going to hit a big orange buoy.

2.  To be able to give the gift of self-awareness

If I could only figure out how to physically wrap this up and put a bow on it… self-awareness.  My life was enriched about 2 years ago when I found out I had a blood clot.  I thought I was in control of my life and was doing all the things I needed to do and be, but ended up figuring out, I didn’t have a clue to who I really was as a person and what kinds of things motivate me to always be the best person that I can be for myself, my partner, my family and my friends.  I don’t think I can wrap up a blood clot and give it to someone.

1.  To never lose the ability to try to find happiness at every corner

I like being happy.  Of course you are saying “Who doesn’t?!”.  But it takes a whole lotta gusto to really seek true and utter happiness in your life.  I know it can’t happen all the time, that’s just not realistic.  But I think everyone is in control of their own happiness.  Simple example, I don’t watch the news anymore.  It’s filled with violence and crime and does nothing to add any value to my day.  I think that once a person finds out what happiness means to them, a gigantic light bulb goes on and the heavy weight we’ve been carrying with us for years, all the time we spend worrying and complaining about things, start to consume less of who you are.  At least they do for me.

There you have it.  The top 10 things I want in my life.  If you are up for it, challenge yourself with this exercise.  Be creative.  I could easily of rattled off a 6-carat diamond ring or $8.9 million dollar house in Hawaii.  But thinking deeper into the reason why something popped in your head to be on this list, what really makes you smile…  If I had a tiny elephant, I wouldn’t trade him for a lifetime supply of Jack!  (Can we make the list 11 things?  I forgot one…).

Cockroach Feces

Ever since I high school, I get a sinus infection every spring and fall.  I blame it on the seasons changing but have never had a clue what really caused it.  It always coincided with my running season too.  Never got me off to a good start.  I’ve also had this “tapeworm” issue, as Kyle likes to call it.  I’ve had this for quite some time too.  I’ll scratch my arm or back and after 5 minutes, it looks like I came over on the boat Amistad.  With seasons changing and summer coming up, I want all of this under control.

I did some self-diagnosing on the internet and quickly found my “tapeworms” to actually be called Dermatographia.  It said it was allergen related so I found a dermatologist.  Derma – Derma, thought I was at the right place.  Wrong.  They gave me a patch test that covered about 29 household chemicals.  I had to wear 3 big patches on my back for 2 days then wait 2 more for the results.  I had zero reactions.  Off to an Allergist.

The Allergist gave me the prick test.  Get your minds out of the gutter. I’m referring to shots.  I went through a list of medical history, foods I eat, family allergans, name of my first dog… it was extensive.  After 40 shots in my back, we moved on to shooting the 15 that did react into my arm.  Drum roll please… I am allergic to cats, dogs, pollen, mold, dust mites, every tree known to man, ragweed and cockroach feces.  Yes.  I said it.  Who knows where that comes from, but it’s a good thing I don’t have an intense love for cockroach feces.

So, the recommendation is to get on Zyrtec everyday.  My doctor said everything is histamine related.  I’m not keen on taking synthetic medication as a daily routine, but I agreed to try it for 1 month, along with some homeopathic remedies of a nettie pot and hypo-allergenic pillows.  If you’re lucky, I’ll take a video of the nettie pot.  It’s like a weird magic trick.

Wheel of Fortune

I haven’t had very many vivid dreams lately, but last night I did.  I had a few, but this one seems to make the least sense.  Pat Sajak and Vanna White showed up to my condo around 3 am and let themselves in while I was upstairs sleeping… naked in my guest bedroom.  They knocked on the door and said “Hey we just wanted to stop by and say hi.”  I acted like I knew them and knew they were coming.  I said “Great, give me your cell phone numbers so I can call you later after I’m ready.”  They both gave stories as to why they didn’t have a number or even if they gave one to me, I wouldn’t be able to reach them.  So I said, “So how do I get on the show then, just go down to the studio and stand in line?  Anything special to get me in?”  Vanna says, “Nope you’ll have to wait in the hopper like everyone else.”   Guess it doesn’t pay to know to big dogs… even if it’s fake.

No clue where this came from.  Haven’t watched that show in quite some time.  Can’t relate it to food or drinking… I had steak stir fry with milk and 2 cocktails last night while watching the movie Australia.  No referece to WoF or those 2 in that movie.  Oh well.  We’ll see if I get something fun tonight. 

FYI – Australia is a phenominal movie.  For me, it ranks up there with the greats like The Patriot or Dances with Wolves.  Definitely see it in HD too.

I’m Afraid of Homeless People

Whenever I see a homeless person, I get a little scared.  I am not saying they are bad people.  I fear that the person will be unpredictable and you never know if something bad might happen.  I just steer clear of it.  Even if I’m in my car, my window is not opening to give food or money no matter how much I want to help.  And I really do want to help.  Maybe this will work for me…

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/03/26/pimp.this.bum/index.html